"Hello, Dr. Fraud. I'm Becky Holzinger, investigative reporter for LIP News."
"I never heard of it. How many readers do you have?"
"We don't have any readers."
"This sounds familiar. Have we met before?"
"I don't think so. Do you have coffee?"
"Oh my. Oh my, oh my."
"Whatever is wrong, Dr. Fraud?"
"I have a new client. He drinks all my coffee. I think he might be stealing it, too."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's a very difficult case. He says he has a large rabbit for a friend."
"Well, isn't that nice."
"No, I mean a really large rabbit. He drinks coffee too."
"The rabbit drinks coffee?"
"So my patient says. The cup is always empty. It's a very difficult case. Would you like some tea?"
"I'd really prefer coffee."
"Fine, since it's your first visit. Do you take milk and sugar?"
"Yes, please. All that you have."
"Aha! You take me for a fool. I thought you looked familiar. You're the one who referred that nut job. It's a very difficult case. The most difficult I've had in my nine months of practice."
"Really, Dr. Fraud. You've said that several times already. I thought you said medication would help."
"Oh, I think he's already quite medicated. I offered him drugs but he said he had plenty. I mean the man has a rabbit as a friend. I even offered to give the rabbit drugs. I see rabbits in my sleep you know?"
"Well that's all very interesting but I'm here for a different reason today."
"Drugs. You decided you want some drugs?"
"No, thank you. I'm here about a man who is a bad newspaper columnist by day and a bad gay hooker by night."
"Is there something unusual about that?"
"Well, he tries to keep the gay hooker thing a secret. He's married after all."
"Ah, an older man?" Dr. Fraud asked.
"No. He has a young son. Actually he works at the same newspaper as your very difficult case."
"Dear God! What is this world coming to? Another one from the same paper. Dreadful."
"What's dreadful, Dr. Fraud?"
"I think I know who you mean. I've read his writing. He's pompous, overbearing and inarticulate. He's an awful writer, indeed."
"Yes, that would be Smart."
"So, you want me to see if I can help him with his writing?"
"Well, no. I was thinking you could work on the whole secret, bad, gay hooker thing."
"Well, I think first things should come first. What about the public who has to read his crap? I was a bit of a writer in college you know. I covered the Fraud Club. I might be able to help."
"Well, if that's where you think you should start. Excellent coffee by the way."
"Does this Smart fellow drink coffee?"
"No, I think he drinks beer."
"Excellent. Does he have any rabbit friends?"
"I don't think so."
"He probably does. Did I tell you that I see rabbits in my sleep? It's a very difficult case."
"Now, Dr. Fraud. I think you need to pull yourself together. After all, you are a distinguished psychiatrist."
"Well, yes I am. Did I tell you that I got my degree over the internet?"
"Yes, you did. After you address the bad writing thing I hope you'll deal with the whole secret gay hooker thing."
"Of course. I'll get the real low-down on him. Ha. Ha. I made a joke. Did you get it?"
"It was hard to miss, Dr. Fraud. I'll send him over to see you."
"I'll sharpen my pencil. Another joke. I'm in good form today."
"Very funny, Dr. Fraud."
"Did I tell you that I count rabbits to get to sleep?"
"I have to run, Dr. Fraud. I'll be back to see how the two of you make out. Did you catch my joke?"
"It was hard to miss. Don't be in a rush to come back."
OUCH!! COMING NEXT: "DR. FRAUD GETS REAL SMART!!!"
"Dr. Fraud on Clyde" is here.
"A Man on the Sidewalk on Clyde" is here.