DOCTOR FRAUD ON CLYDE
"Hello, Doctor Fraud. I'm Becky Holzinger, investigative reporter for
"I've never heard of it. How many readers do you have?"
"We don't have any readers."
"How did you hear about me?"
"You advertise with us."
"I see. Would you like some coffee?"
"Do you take milk and sugar?"
"All that you have."
"It's very nice to meet you. Thank you for seeing me.
How are you today?"
"I've been better. I just received another lawsuit. Blame the
therapist you know. I told the kid that playing with matches was
okay as long as it was supervised. How was I to know he didn't
understand the concept of supervision? I'm not paying
for another house."
"I can understand that. It must get expensive."
"I have a lawyer, you know."
"I'm sure that you do."
"My lawyer likes me. He always returns my calls."
"Very nice. You are a licensed Psychiatrist is
"Yes, I got my degree over the internet. I've been practicing
for six months. I can prescribe drugs. Is that why you are here?
Do you need any drugs?"
"No thanks. I am doing a story on a newspaper editor
who has an imaginary friend. He 'talks' to him in the
columns he writes."
"Ah, a young man?" Doctor Fraud asked.
"Heavens no. He's been doing it for sixteen years.
They drink an awful lot of coffee together."
"The imaginary friend drinks coffee?"
"Yes, and apparently he jogs too."
"Perhaps this editor is transposing his wild side onto this
friend. See what a psychiatric degree will do for you?
Is this imaginary friend interesting?"
"No, he's a dreadful bore. No sense of humor.
He hasn't said anything funny in 16 years. He only cares
about speed bumps and traffic lights. What impact do you
think this might have on the readers of his column?
It's downright creepy, if you ask me. But then, I'm
not a psychiatrist."
"Well, I am. Did I tell you?"
"Yes, you did. Excellent coffee by the way."
"This is serious. This editor person
sounds like a nut-job."
"Could you be more specific in your diagnosis?"
"Nut-job is a legitimate psychiatric term. He needs a
padded room. He needs to be medicated. He may
be a danger to the public."
"Well there's no doubt his writing is a danger to
the public. What about therapy? Would
"There aren't enough hours in the day. Sixteen years
with Harvey. This man needs drugs. He needs to be
sedated. Did I tell you that I can prescribe drugs?"
"Yes you did."
"Would you like some?"
"Well, keep me in mind if you ever need drugs."
"Thank you so much."
"Have this man see me as soon as possible. We can't
have him walking the streets unsedated. He doesn't
play with matches, does he?"
"I wouldn't know."
"Probably does. What is this world coming to?
You'll keep my ad running won't you?"
"Of course," I said.
NEXT - "A MAN IN THE STREET" GIVES HIS DIAGNOSIS HERE.